“Is that a condom wrapper?”
I think it was the deadpan expression on my face that made Jason question whether or not I was joking. “No, seriously, did they just leave their condom wrappers on the floor? There are two trash cans,” I couldn’t be more serious. There are two trashcans; one so close to the bed itself that with the flick of one’s wrist said wrapper would be sanitarily inside it.
“Uh, I don’t know, it looks like a condom wrapper… Pick it up,” Jason is far less squeamish about everything.
“No, I’m not picking up someone’s condom wrapper. I’m glad they used protection, but I wish they’d used the trashcan,” I wish I had one of those long poles with the prick at the end so I could stab the wrapper from a safe distance and toss it far away from me.
“Where are the disposable gloves?” Really my asking is a stall tactic so that Jason will just come over and pick it up for me.
“I’ll get it, it’s just a wrapper.” Stall tactic working.
After a minute of staring at the barely visible gold ink against the red foil Jason deduced, “It’s a Korean candy wrapper.”
“Not a condom wrapper?”
“No, just a candy wrapper.”
“Is it maybe a Korean-candy-flavored–condom wrapper?”
“There’s a picture of something resembling candy. It’s fairly ambiguous and I don’t read Korean, but I’m basing my assumption on the Costco size bag of Gummy Worms they threw away in the dresser drawer and the stack of seven empty chocolate boxes next to the trash (again, not in the trash, but closer).”
I wouldn’t say I’m judging our guests. I’m critically analyzing the crime scene post departure. Who are these people booking our guest home for a “comfortable get away?” And what are they getting away with? For all I know it could be some tawdry affair that we’ve unwittingly facilitated. Will I at some point have to sit for a deposition and expose the fact that upon cleaning the unit I found what appeared to be at first glance a Korean condom wrapper, but actually may have been just a candy wrapper? Should I put the wrapper in a Ziploc sandwich bag as evidence just in case?
I never even caught a glimpse of the couple when they arrived – stayed – or left! How were they so quiet on all that sugar? And I peeked. Every morning I popped a glance out the curtain, but dammit if we didn’t make the unit to be absolutely private, ugh! And at what point were they actually watching television outside? Because the television was turned to face the outside patio, which means at some point they indeed sat outside relaxing and what, watching a movie, or ‘This Is Us’ (because everybody should be watching ‘This Is Us,’ thank you Jackie). And why have my dogs not barked at them???? They bark at everything – just ask any of my neighbors or the UPS Man.
What I really want to know is, why haven’t they reviewed Us? Am I supposed to leave them a review after they dumped their trash everywhere, except a trash can, and wadded up used towels and left them – damp – inside a wood cupboard, versus on one of the multiple towel hooks we’ve recently installed (or on the floor of the bathroom?). I would like to review them (I’ve even written a rough draft), but I’m not going first. Not this time. This particular relationship is like that awful moment you want to say, “I love you” to the guy (even if you’re not sure you mean it), but you definitely want him to say it first so you’re not out there saying I love you while He doesn’t love you back.
I want to give them my review that says, “I love you… but I’m going to need you to change a couple things about you if we want to see where this thing can go…”
Or maybe I just say, “Very quiet, didn’t even know they were here until they left,” but I definitely need to know are they giving me 5 stars… and an “I love you.”
And in all fairness I am not picking on these guests, I’m trolling all our guests equally. It’s just we’re only at the end of our first month with five guests done and a new couple checking in tonight… TONIGHT!
After disinfecting the bathroom, polishing, dusting, changing sheets, fluffing towels, and bagging some hairs for evidence – I put out some fun snacks and beverages, turned on a light in case our new guests check-in late and set the heat to a comforting temperature for when they arrive.
I will manipulate these ones into saying, “I love you,” first, and then I’ll say it back. Maybe even if I don’t mean it, because we’ve all done that a few times in our life, amiright?
The saga will continue, no it actually really will because we’re booked up through February. February! Can you Beleeber it? (Thank you Justin Bieber.)
Stay tuned… more to come.
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